Chemical Balance

Four little pills sit in the bottle, but I have to make them stretch. I'm praying that somehow, I can make them all last. The inhibition of uptake is paramount in this state. Every moment that the chemical reaction is blocked is another moment I can survive being near myself.

There is a problem here. I have to make it all last. I have to stretch it out and live with alternating emotions of well-being and deep self hatred. At this moment, you are witnessing the trough. At this moment, you are seeing me at my darkest hour. I refuse to look in the mirror. I cannot cope with the idea of interacting with others.

They are telling me that I no longer make a difference in this world. They tell me that the people closest to me have moved on to better things. They whisper words of dispair in my ear and assure me that I will no longer feel warmth again. Logically, I know that I am being faced with lies. Emotionally, I curl myself up in the deception like a blanket. The demons are fighting for my soul.

At first, the pills needed to last. Now I'm afraid to take them because the feelings have grown too comfortable. A sadistic part of me is enjoying this fog that has rolled over my eyes. I know I must take salvation into my mouth, but deep inside, I just want to fall asleep and pray that I can't wake up.

Right now, I am going to make the choice. I am going to crawl. When I'm done, there are going to be three little pills sitting in the bottle. There will be three days of normalcy left.